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Episode 31: Let It Come
Amanda and Brandon have been best friends practically from the day they unexpectedly met. But now that they are dating, rather than being happier, Amanda is finding herself stressed, conflicted, and trying so hard not to lose her cherished friendship. Is this really the way it's supposed to be? --The Author
Fifteen-year-old Amanda Beloit sat at the desk in her room, staring uninterestedly at her English homework. Somehow the works of Edgar Allen Poe seemed particularly boring this afternoon. She absent-mindedly drummed her fingers on the desk. She knew she ought to get this assignment done in the half- hour or so she had before soccer practice, but progress was elusive. It also didn't help that she had the hiccups. Again.
The ringing of her phone mercifully rescued her from her homework. It was her boyfriend calling. "Hey Brandon," she answered.
"Hey cutie, how are ya?" he greeted her cheerily.
"I'm *hmk* ok," Amanda said. "Trying to do homework *hmk* but I'm really not feeling it," she admitted.
"That sucks."
"Yeah, and I ha-*hic* have the hiccups," Amanda added.
"Again?" he asked.
"Oh gosh, *hic* so like, I texted you when I had th-*uck* them on the way to school *hmk* this morning, right?" she began. "And I only had *hmk* them for like ten minutes. But they keep *hic* coming back! I swear this is like *hmk* the sixth time I've had th-*hic* them now!"
"Aww," Brandon sympathized. "Well at least they're really cute!"
Amanda laughed. "Um, you mean a-*hmk* annoying."
"Probably doesn't help you concentrate on homework," Brandon conceded.
"Yeah, not so much," she agreed. "But at least they've *hmk* been short every time, it beats ge-*huck* getting them for hours like I *hmk* usually do."
"Well hey," Brandon offered, "Do you want to meet up tonight? I thought maybe we could just hang out for a bit."
Amanda frowned. "I don't know. *hmk* I have all this homework, pl-*hic* plus I have soccer practice in a little *hmk* bit."
"You're always so busy," he commented, sounding a little frustrated.
"Yeah, school and sp-*hic* sports are pretty much my *hmk* life," she said. "And church."
"I wish I was, too," Brandon complained.
Amanda sighed. "You are, Brandon. I mean, we *hmk* do spend practically every moment together that we c-*hic* can. We've talked about this! I have a lot of *hmk* commitments and things I do, and they're important to me, too. That doesn't mean you're not. I just --" she trailed off.
"I guess I just feel like I'm the last thing on your list," he protested.
"You've never been 'last on my list'. It was never like this before," she argued. "I just can't be with you all the time. Plus, you know I can't drive on my own yet; I can't just zip over and see you whenever we want."
"And if I come over there, your mom will glare at me the whole time. It would be nice if she didn't hate me."
"Mommy doesn't hate you," Amanda tried to assure him. "She's just very -- protective."
"No kidding," he agreed. "Hey, my dad is calling; I'd better go."
"Ok. I'm sorry, Brandon," she apologized.
"Me too," he sighed. "Have fun at soccer or whatever."
"I'll try," she promised. "Love you."
"I love you too," he said.
Amanda slowly put the phone down. She and Brandon had only been dating a few weeks, but ever since then he had been so clingy. It was about to drive her crazy! Was it all her fault? Was she not being a good girlfriend? She'd never dated anyone before; maybe she was doing things all wrong.
After a couple minutes, her brooding thoughts were interrupted by a knock on her door. "Come in," she called.
Her brother Chris opened the door and came into her room. "Hey, you have practice tonight, right?" he asked.
"Yeah," she said.
"I've got to run an errand in a little bit here; do you want me to drive you over while I'm at it?" Chris offered.
Amanda smiled. "Aww thanks, that would be great!"
"I aim to please," he said with a grin. "Whatcha working on?"
Amanda turned and unenthusiastically picked up the book from the desk. "English. I've already decided Edgar Allan Poe is a depressing writer, but apparently Mrs. Lister expects more."
Chris laughed. "Where's Juliana when you need her?"
"I know, right?" Amanda agreed. "I don't think I'm going to really work on it until after practice, though."
"Procrastination for the win!" Chris teased.
Amanda laughed, but then she grew serious again. "Chris," she asked, "How did you feel when you and Hannah first started going out?"
"Umm," Chris was unprepared for the sudden question. "Really happy?" he ventured. "I mean, the same way I do now, I guess. Like so ridiculously lucky."
"Awww, well you're right about that!" she agreed with a quick smile. "But no, I mean, was it awkward at first, after having been friends for so long?"
Chris sat down on Amanda's bed. "Not really," he said, thinking back. "I mean, yeah it felt a little weird calling her my girlfriend at first, and you know, stuff like that. But we'd always been best friends, and we only became even better friends."
"That's what I thought," Amanda said dejectedly.
"Why? What's going on?" Chris asked.
Amanda sighed. Walking over to the dresser, she picked up her brush and a hairband. Then she sat down next to Chris and began to brush out her long brown hair. "It's me and Brandon," she began. "We've been great friends since like, the day we met, right? But now that we're dating it's like -- it's so different. He wants me to be with him all the time and he gets upset with me for anything else I do."
"What do you mean?" Chris was puzzled.
"Well like just now, he called me wanting to hang out," she told him. "Which is fine; of course I love hanging out with Brandon. But I have soccer practice and this stupid homework, and he got all bent out of shape saying that everything else in my life is more important than him or whatever. And he's like this every time he wants to do something and I'm busy."
"But he wasn't like that before?" Chris asked.
"Never! He was like, so much more understanding. Now anything I do is like it's competing against him. So I feel like maybe I'm just not being a good girlfriend, and if I just spent more time with him everything would be ok, and so it's all my fault."
Chris looked at her sympathetically. "It's not your fault, Mandy."
"But maybe it is! I've never had a boyfriend; I don't know what I'm doing. You know I'm not flirty and romantic. I'm not perfect and charming like Hannah. I'm probably doing it all wrong," she pressed. "But I did think that being in love was supposed to feel good, not so stressful," she added wistfully.
"You're an awesome girl. And you should always be able to be yourself in a relationship," Chris encouraged. "Are you in love with him?" he asked.
Amanda was silent for a minute. She finished brushing her hair, and put it into a high ponytail. She got her long athletic socks and shin guards from her dresser. She sat back down next to Chris and started to put them on. "I don't know," she finally answered. "I want to say I am; I sort of thought I was. And I do love Brandon, so much. But then, I kind of wish --"
Chris looked at her questioningly. He put his arm around her.
"I wish everything was how it used to be," she admitted. "But I don't know, that just sounds so childish. Maybe I just expected too much from being 'in love'. What does that really even mean?"
Chris pondered the question for a little while. Amanda, finished with her preparations, leaned her head on his shoulder. "I guess it means something different for each person," he said pensively. "I mean, for me, when I'm with Hannah, I feel like -- like all is right with the world. We're totally comfortable with one another, and I just know that things will keep getting better as long as we're together."
"Like best friends times a million," Amanda suggested.
Chris smiled. "Yeah, kinda like that. But if you asked Sarah what being in love means to her, I'm sure she'd say something completely different."
"Well, she's watched one too many chick-flicks."
Chris chuckled. "I guess it's one of those things where, you can't really define it, but you know it when it happens."
"But that's the thing," Amanda worried. "Brandon and I are like best friends. I'm friends with lots of boys; you know that. But I've never felt as close to any guy as I do to him. Maybe I'm just not being fair to him about this."
"I guess maybe," Chris granted. "But you can't make yourself be in love, Mandy. You have to wait and let it come to you."
Amanda was silent. Her eyes started to burn a little, the way they do when you are about to cry, but she valiantly fought it back. She took a deep breath and finally stood up. "We'd better get going," she said, her voice quivering a little.
Neither of them said much on the short drive to the soccer field. Amanda, deep in thought, mostly stared out the window. But just before they arrived, she spoke. "Thank you for talking to me about this," she said earnestly. "It's really nice to have someone I can talk to."
"You can talk to me any time," Chris assured her.
"Thanks," she said. "I'll take you up on that! But right now I just need to think for a little while."
Chris nodded. "I can understand that." He pulled into a parking space in front of the field.
"It's pretty awesome to have someone who understands me," Amanda said with a smile.
Chris laughed. "I don't know if I'd go that far!" he teased.
"No, I mean it," Amanda insisted. "I could never talk like this with Ellie, or with Sarah. They're both just so different from me; they'd make it this big dramatic thing. Even Hannah, she's such a sweetheart and I love talking to her but I can't imagine her feeling all conflicted like this over anything. She'd feel really sorry for me but I'm not sure that she'd understand. And it's so weird not really being able to talk to Mommy about it either. We're so close and I've always been so open with her about everything, but I know she doesn't like Brandon and it's so awkward any time I even mention him."
"Yeah, I can imagine," Chris agreed.
"So yeah," Amanda finished, brightening. "I guess maybe having a big brother is kinda cool after all!" she said with a grin, and a heavy emphasis on the 'maybe'.
Chris laughed and gave her a playful punch. "I was going to offer to pick you up when you're done here, but after that I'm not so sure!"
Amanda giggled, then faked a frown. "You'd leave your sweet little sister to walk all the way home by herself?"
Chris rolled his eyes.
"It's ok, Mommy's gonna pick me up," she explained. "Thanks for bringing me, though!"
"No problem. Have fun!"
"Thanks, I will," Amanda said as she got out of the car. "I'll see you l-*huck* later!"
Chris laughed at the loud hiccup that interrupted her, but she looked at him with dismay. "Not the hiccups a-*hmk* again!" she groaned. "Can you get *hmk* rid of them for me before y-*huck* you go?"
"If I ever find out how to get rid of the hiccups, I'll make sure you're the first to know," he promised.
"Really?" she asked excitedly. "I could *hmk* totally use that."
Chris grinned. "Nope, not really."
Amanda stuck out her tongue, hiccupping even as she did. "Yeah, cause you know I'd t-*huck* tell Hannah," she teased. "Oh well, see you *hmk* tonight!" She closed the door, and waved as she headed off toward the field. Chris waved back at her before driving away.
Just jogging across the soccer field to join those who had arrived before her, Amanda could already feel that the hiccups were going to be worse this time than they had been in their brief appearances throughout the day so far. Exercise always seemed to make her hiccups worse: one time back in the summer, she'd gotten the hiccups on the first morning of a big softball tournament. She hadn't been able to get rid of them before the first game, and the exertion of playing multiple games in a row left her with hiccups so bad that they didn't stop until almost bedtime. A little self-conscious already about being by far the youngest girl on the team, it had been so embarrassing and frustrating to have the hiccups all day! She cringed just thinking about it. At least today was just soccer practice.
"Hey girl," Ellie greeted Amanda with a hug as she reached the rest of the group. "Brought your hiccups today?"
Amanda laughed and rolled her eyes. "Mhm, *hmk* I'm afraid so."
"Coach will love that," Ellie deadpanned.
Having the hiccups did make things more difficult for Amanda in their various drills. Fortunately, Coach Metzler was understanding. "It's not the first time a girl's had the hiccups in practice, and it won't be the last," he told her. "Just do your best."
When they played a little practice game, with the starters on one side and Amanda and the other backups on the other side, Amanda actually felt much more comfortable; her athletic second nature kicked in, and she mostly forgot about having the hiccups. Even as she ran around chasing the ball while she and her teammates got schooled by the starters, Amanda's mind drifted back to Brandon, and especially to what Chris had said.
"You can't make yourself be in love. You have to wait and let it come to you." Is that what she'd been doing? Trying to be in love? Seeing Chris and Hannah so perfect together, and Sarah and Nathan's complicated but powerful relationship, she'd felt a little left out, like maybe she was just being too picky. So when her best guy friend asked her out, it felt so nice! If she had to be honest with herself, though - and she usually was - she didn't feel like she was really in love with him. But what if that mysterious feeling never came to her? What if she waited and waited, only to find that Brandon was the best chance she'd ever had? They could make it work, after all; she could carve out a little more time for him, and he could learn to deal with not being with her every moment, right?
Deep in thought, she totally whiffed on a pass that a teammate sent her way. "Dammit, Amanda! Pay attention!" Coach Metzler yelled from the sideline. They both knew that mistake couldn't be blamed on her hiccups.
"Sor-*huck* Sorry!" she called back. She tried to focus harder on the game after that.
A couple minutes later, Emily, one of the starters, broke away toward the goal with the ball. Amanda tried her best to defend the taller, faster girl as she drove forward. Rather than pass the ball over to an open teammate on her right, Emily recklessly boomed the ball toward the goal, somehow avoiding Amanda in the process. The goalie dove toward the ball and barely managed to keep it in front of her. Amanda swooped in and cleared the ball back toward midfield.
Coach Metzler blew his whistle and beckoned the girls over to the sideline. "Emily, Emily," he chided, shaking his head. "If that doesn't even work in practice, do you think it's going to work next week down at Loudon County?"
Emily hung her head.
"You had Tiffany wide open on your right," he explained. "She could have made a much better shot on the goal than you could with Little Miss Hiccups draped all over you."
The girls laughed, and even Amanda had to smile.
"You've got to let the shot come to you; don't force it. And we've got to play like a team. I saw a lot more teamwork from the backups than I did from you girls," he continued, motioning to the starters. "All right, now go take a quick break, and we're going to try something different here in a minute."
As the girls filed over toward the table where a large jug of water awaited them, Coach Metzler put his hand on Amanda's shoulder. She looked up at him, still breathing heavily and hiccupping helplessly. "Great job, Amanda," he encouraged. "You're a pretty good little defender."
"Th-*huck* Thanks!" Amanda giggled.
He squeezed her shoulder. "Now go get some water and stop those hiccups already!"
Amanda sighed. "I wish I c-*huck* could!"
When Amanda arrived back home after practice, she headed straight for the shower. It was a cool evening, but she still felt sweaty from all the running around. She hoped the refreshing water would help soothe her hiccups, too. Standing in front of the sink, she dabbed a little water on a scratch on her face, washing off a couple drops of blood that had dried there.
Still in her sports bra and loose-fitting jersey as she stared into the mirror for a moment longer, her hiccups didn't bounce and jerk her body as noticeably as usual. But they still sounded impossibly loud as they echoed in the small bathroom. They still jerked her head back, too, and the rhythmic motion somehow made her ponytail sway slowly back and forth. She had to chuckle at herself. "What a freak," she laughed aloud.
The shower felt just as good as she had expected, although it didn't seem to do much for her hiccups. She sighed as she put on her comfortable flannel pajama pants and a tank top. These hiccups were not going to go away easily.
Indeed, they still hadn't that evening as she struggled through her English homework. After nearly an hour on it, she went out into the living room where her mom was. "Mommy, could you *hmk* help me for a minute?" she asked.
"Of course," Mrs. Beloit agreed willingly. "What do you need?"
"Well, if you could *hic* write an essay on Edgar Allan Poe, that w-*huck* would be pretty awesome," Amanda teased.
"Oh my," Mrs. Beloit laughed. "If you're working on literature, you should cheat off of someone other than me!" Nonetheless, she followed Amanda back to her room. Although literature wasn't her strong point, Mrs. Beloit was able to give Amanda a lot of help with the structure and flow of her essay.
They had only been working for a couple minutes when Amanda apologized, "Sorry about my stupid h-*huck* hiccups; I know they're so *hmk* distracting."
Mrs. Beloit smiled. "It's ok," she assured. "I know you can't help it. I wish I could help you get rid of them!"
"That would be n-*hic* nice!" Amanda sighed. "Although right now, I'd *hmk* rather just be rid of this homework!"
They worked together for quite some time, but finally Amanda felt like she could get the rest finished up on her own. "Thank you, *hmk* you've been soooo much *hmk* help!" she gushed.
"Any time," her mom offered cheerily.
Even with the help, it was late in the evening when Amanda finally decided she had done a passable enough job on her homework. After gladly putting it away, she tiptoed down the hall to Chris's room. She tried to sneak through the partly-open doorway, but her hiccups quickly gave her away.
From his position sitting on the bed with his laptop, Chris looked up from the game he'd been playing and turned toward the door. "Hey sis," he said with a smile.
"Ugh, I can't even sn-*huck* sneak up on you!" she moaned.
"Not with those hiccups," he answered with a wink.
Amanda rolled her eyes and shook her head. "They won't st-*huck* stop for anything."
"I'm sorry," he said sympathetically. "That's got to be annoying."
"Mhm," she agreed. "But that's *hmk* ok, I'm here to annoy you now!" she giggled. "It's *huck* a shame I'm not as cute as Han-*uck* Hannah, huh?"
Chris laughed. "I don't know; I guess your hiccups are kinda cute too."
"Well that's *huck* about the only thing they have g-*hic* going for them!" Amanda jokingly complained.
"You about ready for bed?" he asked.
"Yeah, I fi-*huck* finally finished that homework," Amanda answered with relief. "But could I ask you *hmk* something?"
"Of course," he agreed, putting the laptop down on the floor.
Amanda came and sat down next to him. "I th-*hmk* thought a lot about what you *hmk* said earlier. I really have been trying *hmk* way too hard at this. And I think I see what *huck* you meant about needing to wait until l-*huck* love finds me or whatever. And I'm *hic* totally ok with that. I mean, I love my li-*hmk* life; I don't feel like I even need a boyfrie-*huck* a boyfriend at all right now. Who *huck* knows, maybe I never will. But *hmk* what if Brandon really is the best thing th-*huck* there is for me and I blow my chance with *hmk* him?"
Chris looked at Amanda. She half expected him to say something like, "Come on, you're only fifteen." But he didn't. Instead he told her a story.
"You know the other day - well I guess it was a month or two ago now - when we went out to eat downtown with Mom and Dad and Hannah?"
"Yeah, I *hmk* remember that," she said.
"Before you all got there, I saw my old friend Mallory there; do you remember her?" he asked.
Amanda thought for a moment. "She's the girl you d-*huck* dated before Hannah, right?"
"Yep. Well seeing her made me think about what happened when she broke up with me. I mean, I had just gotten dumped by one of the prettiest, most popular, well-connected girls in school. I figured my life was over. I could have gone crawling back to Mallory, desperately trying to be good enough for her. But looking back, I'm so glad I didn't. Not only would I have missed the total sweetheart who was practically right under my nose, but I would have been so unhappy trying to be someone I'm not. I know it's kinda different because Brandon isn't dumping you; but still, I think you'll find that something amazing is waiting for you if you just be patient and be yourself."
Amanda listened attentively, her silence punctuated only by her hiccups. Despite the different situation, she understood the connection Chris was trying to make. "I guess at *hmk* least Brandon and I can still b-*huck* be friends... I think," she noted.
"And you know, if you really are meant to be with him, that can still happen too," Chris reminded her. "You just have to trust that God will work it out for you."
Amanda nodded. "Yeah, I see what you me-*hmk* mean."
Chris gave her a hug. "You're an amazing girl, Mandy. You're going to end up with someone great."
"Awww-*hmk*, thanks!" Amanda gushed. "I don't know what I'd *hmk* do without you."
Amanda and Chris talked for a long time. After all, she couldn't really go to bed until the hiccups stopped! But even after they were gone, it was a while before Chris finally teased, "Isn't it past your bedtime?"
Amanda had to admit it was. She gave him a long hug. "Thanks again for talking to me today; it's helped so much!"
"I know it will all work out," he assured her.
"It will," she agreed. "Love you!"
"I love you too, sis."
The next evening, Amanda and Brandon met up at a park where they liked to hang out. Brandon was still a little upset at her over last night, but he didn't say anything about it. Amanda felt like she was doing the right thing, but she was still nervous. What if he didn't understand? What if they couldn't be friends any more?
They had feebly kept up a conversation for a while by the time Amanda finally said, "Brandon, I thought a lot yesterday about what you said to me, about how you think you're not important enough to me."
Brandon frowned. As hurt as he had been, he hated to make Amanda feel bad. "I'm sorry; I know I shouldn't be like that. It's just frustrating."
"No, don't be sorry," Amanda countered. "It's not your fault. But you know, we were never like this before, were we?"
"No, we've always gotten along so well," he agreed pensively.
"So, um," she struggled to find the right words for what she wanted to say. "Do you think -- I mean, I really do love you soooo much Brandon, and I never want to lose you, but could we -- could we just be friends like we were? We were so much happier that way!"
Brandon didn't say anything at first. Amanda was everything he ever wanted in a girl: sweet, sporty, fun, laid-back, and absolutely beautiful. She was so easy to talk to, so simple, so affectionate, and he cared about her so deeply. How could he give up on dating her? How could this not be working?
"I'm not upset at you or anything; this has just been so hard for us both and I don't want our friendship to be ruined," Amanda anxiously tried to explain.
He nodded. "It has been hard," he agreed. "Maybe you're right. I just thought it would be different."
"I know," Amanda lamented. "Me too. I thought since we were best friends, we'd just naturally make a perfect couple."
"I guess that's what we get for thinking," Brandon said wryly.
Amanda put her arms around him. "I want to be best friends again," she said quietly. Tears came to her eyes.
Brandon held her close. "You really want to be like we were before?"
"Mhm," Amanda affirmed.
To Brandon, it sounded a lot like being relegated to the infamous 'friend zone', but then again, Amanda the best friend was totally worth it, wasn't she? "We can still text, still hang out together, still hug, still talk for hours?" he asked. "Your mom can still hate me?"
Amanda laughed. "Of course, Brandon. I'll even still get the hiccups for you, unfortunately," she lamented playfully.
"Well in that case, what are we waiting for?!" Brandon teased. Then he grew earnest again. "No, seriously, you're the best friend I've ever had, Amanda. And I guess you're right; I don't want to lose that over a relationship that doesn't work out. I love you so much and I honestly can't imagine a more wonderful girlfriend than you, but it is true: I've felt so far from you the past few weeks."
Amanda nodded. "Me too. It's like we haven't been ourselves."
"Do you think it will be weird just being friends again?" Brandon worried.
"I think it will be awesome," Amanda predicted confidently. "And since when has being weird stopped us?"
Brandon laughed. "Touché."
* * * * *
Chris spent the evening with Hannah and Juliana, and didn't leave Juliana's house until pretty late. On the way home, he wondered what had happened with Amanda. She had told him she was going to see Brandon; he hoped that had gone ok for her. He really hoped he had given her good advice.
It wasn't long after he returned home that he knocked on her door. "Come in," came her familiar answer.
He stepped in quietly. Already in her pajamas, Amanda was lying casually across her bed, on her stomach with her feet up, reading a magazine. She looked over at him with a smile and put the magazine down. "Hey, you're back! How were Hannah and Juliana?"
Chris was surprised at how nonchalant she was. "They're good, we had a great time," he answered. "How's Brandon? How did it go?"
Amanda smiled broadly. "I was soooo nervous!" she began. "I told him I wanted to just be friends again. He was really hesitant at first, but once I promised him that we could still be just as close as we always have been, he was ok with it. He was so cute; he was like, 'So we can still text and talk and hug and everything?'"
"Aw," Chris chuckled. "So you're still friends?"
"Definitely! After that we just hung out for a while. I know he felt a little sad about it, and to be honest I kind of felt bad too. But I'm so happy; it's such a relief, and I know it will be for the best!"
"I'm so glad it went well, and that you're happy," Chris said sincerely.
"Thanks, me too! And thank you so much for your support and for listening to me; I seriously couldn't have done it without you," she told him. "You're the greatest."
Chris sat down next to her. No sooner had he sat down than she hiccupped so forcefully that the bed shook a little bit. He laughed. "Seriously, Amanda?"
Amanda looked crestfallen when she hiccupped again. "Not again! I thought after yes-*huck* yesterday that they'd be gone for a *hmk* while!"
They both giggled as she shook the bed again. "Apparently not," Chris stated the obvious.
"Oh well. I guess I'd better c-*huck* call Brandon!" she laughed.
Chris raised an eyebrow.
"Hey, who else wants to *hmk* listen to me hiccup?" she pointed out with a knowing smile.
"Good point," Chris admitted, shaking his head. "You're awesome, Mandy," he added with a chuckle.
"I know!" Amanda agreed. "Think you could g-*huck* get your awesome sister's phone off of *hmk* her desk for her?" she asked, grinning.
Chris laughed. "Guess that's what big brothers are for."